days are numbered

It's about numbers again. A friend gave me a book tittled The Science Of Numbers. In this book it said that before birth we are drawn to our names, birth dates
and parents by an irresistible affinity with those vibrations which compose our own characters and aspirations, and that a numerologist by studying the former is able to tell us what we are wherein lie our potentiality, our hopes and our hazards. Each letter and date represents a number. The right reading of these numbers will describe our character and type of life. Each number represents a planet, color, quality and experience in either its good, bad, or negative aspects. We can map out the life according to the relation in which all its numbers are standing to each other. It is therefore apparent that one way of learning many of the secret processes at work in the universe and in our own natures lies in the understanding of numbers and symbols.
However,like everything else it must be used with moderation and common sense and not in a spirit of idle superstition.....eeemm...(thinking about how my days and yours are numbered!)

Friday 13th!

It was just after midnite, 13th of April 2006. We were at the Brunei Polo Club. I asked the waitress for my last round of coffee before we leave. The music suddenly stopped. Drum rolling...then this waitress followed by other members of the club walking towards our table. The waitress was carrying a medium size round of shape cake with one candle on it! I knew it. Rita was the first to greet me and she was the one who arrange it. Just when I thought no one would know it was my birthday as I was far away from home. Rita not only arranged the surprise but turned the night into my night! They pushed me on to the stage. (This is the time I can make myself look like a 'badut' and everyone on the floor can forgive me) These seven piece band looked like they already ready for this. The smile on their faces despite their last set had just finished make me wonder. So the nite ended with me rendered "I Want To Know What Love Is". The song from my favourite group 'Foreigner'. Everybody gave a big applause for my effort!
As if those weren't enough, I got another birthday surprise on the plane! The flight back to KL that afternoon was unforgettable one! All the passenggers participate. Apparently, the party on the plane was not arranged by Rita. It was an impromptu one arranged by the airline staff I think..
And again.... just when I thought all those hassle were too much, something else awaiting...
I reached home, a bit frustrated because no one could fetch me at the airport. Hey!..where is everybody?..hello.. then I opened the door. Surprised!!!!!Aduh!! I thought I was in the wrong house! All the breep..breep whistle, the flowers, balloons....the rest was history...
Never in my life had I this kind of surprises. And Iwas overwhelmed.
Then I thought, is this going to be my last....or is it just a beginning of something...ah well...or was it all well deserved...I don't know...

Then another year come. ALhamdullilah.
Those close to me started to make it like a big deal for this special event.... Then I said it would'nt be a surprise no more. Anyway I said thanks...give me abreak...You need a break? they said. Fine....
Then I met this chinese lady coincidently. She was a Feng Shui lady. She gave me a chinese calendar. I browse straight to the date. 13 April, Friday...Unlucky day! Dont make any enggament. No meeting. No party. No marriage. And many more no..no.. But suit: Clean house, change position of bed, cut tress..ect..So there I was. On 13th April, Friday 2007, all alone. Inside the house cleaning. Outside the house, driving my 'Roadster' around the neighbourhood.
All alone! It was not until the late evening then I'm beginning to feel something else that amiss. There were no wishes from no one! No phone calls, no even sms's ...At this point, I, still in the right frame of mind have to accept the truth,even though it was quite painful one...you are already half century old! Well, this is it...I'm not living in denial am I nt?...sob..sob...
Few days gone...everything were not right...The students did not turn up, my wireless not working, meetings cancelled...
And today....everything just like being 'switched on' again!...It's all about me...my mind that I set from the beginning...And something else triggered my head or rather my brain this morning. I changed my handphone number since two weeks ago! And it tells...And I did'nt inform anyone about it! I quickly changed into the old simcard. And there I was...loads sms's that scream birthday wishes and greeting...arrg...age factor!! but...I am still alive and kicking!
And there goes my birthday celebrations for this yeartoo. All those seat booking, surprise (again) dinner party and so on...mostly cancelled. All because they hear no reply from me! And one of it that I missed was of the two seat reserved for me at the Planet Hollywood last Sunday! And this sms I got from Ezlynn's PA himself! Ezlynn is my goddaughter and Adam is her very kind PA. So I missed her perfomance with AC Mizal and Awie that nite! Hi Hi Bye Bye. I love you very much Yang. And thanks Adam.

beautiful rain

So much things to say, so little time that left...
this is my big day, and I should rest...
my tired body, my weary brain...
here and there slumbers the memory, gladly refreshed after the rain...
rain..rain..rain..rain
beautiful rain....

My abang

I send my 'abang' to his college this afternoon. He was sick as he was caught in the rain yesterday. I thought his daddy would fetch him but he make my 'abang' walking and running for the last LRT at 11pm last nite. This is the only communication problem I always have with daddy. This communication breakdown always on our 'abang's jadual waktu' . Today 'abang' insisted on going for 7pm class. Yesterday he performed 'keroncong' in conjunction with the 'Perasmian Kampus ASWARA (fomerly known as Akedemi Seni Kebangsaan) by Pak Lah.

He is me. He was 'created' on my birthday 20 years and 9 months ago! and born on the new year's eve.

While my left hand on his forehead and my right hand on the steering wheel. He pushed my left hand gently. ...."pleasee mummy...I'm ok...all this remeh temeh..I'm ok.." So..ok. I know my 'abang'. Can't help looking and touching him. Alot of things I wanted to say to him but knowing him.....'Abang' still using his Nokia hp model bila-bila ntah. Very, very 'buruk'. Once drop, all the 'isi perut dan punat' of the poor phone will come out! but still 'boleh pakai' he said. He will never accept another handphone no matter how 'canggih' the model is. Even his 'adik' using the latest model.

After 6 months of trial and error...that was living on his own..'abang' came back, with loads of dirty clothes and some cooking utensils that I never knew he 'curi' from my kitchen. (I'll never know if any of the gadgets missing from my kitchen as I never cook since he left)...The sad (or rather funny) part was when I found one of his 'koyak rabak' jeans with the silver (turn rusty) chain still hanging from the loops. We (all five of us) knew about this pair of jeans. That is 'abang's favourite. From few strands that went stray to all the (purposely,I think) holes 'koyak', this pair of jeans at last gave 'beyond recognition' look (though words on the equally torn label "Levi's" stay!) Let alone the smells!!...I couldnt beleive this, so I 'pakat' with adik, I hide 'it' in a plastic bag and told him that I threw it away because 'dah beyond dipakai' already! He almost jump. He said " No!..no..that's my favourite". I said" but how could you not differenciate between bad and good image or dirty and cleanliness?" ..
He looked down hiding his sad looking eyes. And he looked up, gently said "But,mummy I only wear that jeans for gigs or shows" and he turned away. It remind me also of his favourite t-shirt a long time ago. He used it till it 'koyak' and turn out like 'roti canai' look. He keep wearing it till I threw it away...and never ask me of whereabout..that
is my 'abang'. Never like to pursue with any kind of argument. ...so much more to talk about my 'abang'...

He is the reason...he is the light...he is my everything...and he is my 'abang'...love you always..

de la faune au fil de l'eau...

Oui! that'll be the tittle of my song for Pierre. I will not post the lyric here not till I can get hold of him first. I want him to read my poem (before I created it into song lyric). It'd been seven months since Pierre last wrote to me...Frankly I'm a bit worry about him...

I asked Khola whether she'd seen Pierre in the village...now that Khola settling back in the village. No, she hasn't seen Pierre. And now...how much I miss them and the village...it's just fourteen hour of flying, two hour sorting out and one hour on the road to reach to this beautiful village and this beautiful friends..

where's the love...

It was March 2006, the last time we all met. I miss Pierre, Asiya, Hilda,Khola...These friends were always very good to me. They are real. As always, Pierre would drive me to the airport, Gatwick or Heathrow. Asiya and her two girls, Maryam and Yasmin always had little something for me. Asiya took the whole trouble to cook and 'bekal' the food for me. Pierre will eat more from my 'bekal' . Hilda will be going back to Mexico after finishing and submit her thesis. ..Khola was suppose to meet up with me in Rawalpindi....

And now, Dr Hilda is back in Ciapas, Mexico, and Dr Khola shocked me most. (I'm very happy for her) She just got married to our friend Heder (I called him Amir Khan- as he has the resemblence)....and Asiya..I'll write (or call her) as her birthday is three days after mine. Pierre..I think Pierre 'merajuk'...These are my friends (and many more), real friends over there. Whenever I'm unhappy and unloved here I'll think of them..they are always there for me...."Is that what makes you go back there every year? ....the love, the real one?" asked Lili, the second year student from UiTM yesterday. Her mouth wide open waiting for answer..."esok sambung la..." I teased. "Alah! auntie ni suka potong stim la..."

And another five students from UKM at my studio yesterday. Sue-fourth year Law student, Sutha, Serina,Zack and As,mass-com. student. They came to learn something else and to get some skill. I can see through their eyes, they came for the 'ilmu', the never ending 'ilmu'. Their eyes all at mine and I cant help but feeling like they are my own children. They all 'want something from me'. And I'll give them what I have especially the love. I love children. They are the future. They are coming back for more!

ten years today- Barrage du Seujet

It was ten years ago today, I decided to pack and went back to KL. Ben and Sis were dissappointed as I did not keep my promise. "This is going to be a life time birthday bash you going to have. ..come on, stay on....Eifel Tower! remember? " We were only like two hours more to reach Paris. If it was not because of this guy from Korea, we would have reached Paris before midnite and still can catch the last metro...He missed the bus, his luggage was in the bus but his body was not. Someone realised he was missing after two hours!...Back to Ben,"Sorry Ben, I miss my kids terribbly. I thought I can..." I started to cry. It'd been seven weeks since I left them. I already accomplished this mission...but I failed when it comes to this..celebrating my birthday without my children?..No. Be it at Eifel Tower or anywhere exclusive in the world for that matter..no..no.. I want to go home! I reschedule my flight. I reached KL a day before my birthday. Quite to my disappointment,my daughter said,"You should celebrate your birthday at Eifel Tower!...not that every year you are there!"... Anyway, at least I did IT. Seven weeks of backpacking, alone in winter (around Europe) without much money, only necessities like passport and mini book of 'Surah Yassin' and thick,thick clothing that I'm carrying. And above all the guts that took me to do it before I reached forty that time!! Why I did it? Well It's for you to find out later....And all from the sad story in London to the love story in Barrage du Seujet,Geneve, it'd been worth sailing.

too good to be true

I'll never go back to F's office and tell her what happened. She is my good friend and is going to retire soon. I didnt wnt to unneccessarily 'mengadu' about those young reporters to her. A couple of times appointment
made was cancelled either last minute (that was when I called to reconfirm few hours prior) or cancelled when I was already on the way! This young reporter said like.."oh..sorry..assignment banyak tempat...busy sangat...tak sempat..kita buat appoinment lain..jangan risau tentang your journal tu...tunggu boss balik.." Of course I'm worried, this delaying has been like a month now and h...my journal is with you!! At one time this young reporter even raised her voice at me when I asked for my journal back (as promised). Maybe it was my fault that she and her partner can talk to me like that. I was too soft, or maybe that's their upbringing. A lot of passing remarks overheard after that but I think not worth mentioning here. Let me put this into one sentence..."Everthing were too good to be true for them" . Lastly, I went straight to meet the boss ( I could had done that earlier...but sometimes we give these people (young and unprofessional) a chance. The boss (did not even say sorry) but gave me eighthundred words columm. To that I said thanks but no thanks.

One of the stories that sounds "too good to be true for them (young and 'formerly grad from somewhere' reporters)"
was this: A story about a couple being good friend after the divorce. For the love of the children, the couple both never remarried (tak ada jodoh), living next door to each other and the children practically still have family and life as normal...to this she said..."where got?...dah cerai mesti tak baik dan berebut anak punya" And to that I said.."Apa salah nya you tulis ...ini satu nilai yang patut ada pada kita..." And she said something like.."Oh..nilai apa...orang tak percaya punyalah..bunyi complicated je..kita tulis ibu tunggal bunyi kesian sikit." And to this I said..."Or you sebut ibu 'janda' bunyi kontroversi sikit...lagi laris paper you!!"

Whatever it was, for these young so called professional people, I think you should upgrade yourself. A lot of things you never learn when you were at the universities. Later I'l post the speech that I wrote for the opening session during Hari Konvokesyen UPM. I'm very proud because my daughter was chosen to present the speech in front of the Chancellor and Vice Chancellor and thousands of graduates.

masa yang cemburu

Masa begitu mencemburui aku....Just when I thought this is the time..my own sweet time...to sit somewhere in my little so called studio cum pondok, scribble some words, splashing some colorful paints on to my canvas...the sound of enjin bas sekolah and the kids screaming down the road put everthing off! They act as reminder for me too. I have to fetch my son from school,which is just 'sejengkal' away. I spoil him. Can't blame me. This 182cm tall baby of mine is going to be the last to make me sitting and waiting outside the 'pagar sekolah'. By next year, no more 'modal' to tell friends and neighbour about fetching anak from school. Unless my 'kakak' get married and have anak going to school. Then I'll have 'modal' to tell friends and neighbour again, this time fetching cucu from school!

Now, masa yang mencemburui itu...why now do they want me to do this project? I did proposed and done it years ago. Anyway, I'm not complaining, I'm flattered. My 'kakak' used to say...
"so much 'input'..must 'output' lah pulak before they 'ter-delete'! ok..ok..

So, here I am busy preparing topics and modules for the Image Building workshop. Image Building?...Somebody asked me sarcastically.."What or which are you?..penulis kampung ke pelukis jalanan atau pembina imej rekaan?" Those who asked from me should know what they were asking for..